The Doer

No really, I am an accomplished graphic designer.

I have many rituals I place on my to-do list. These rituals, I think, are to comfort myself. De-puff, de-age, self-sooth, and heal. Heal from anxiety, worry, and a ruminating mind. What I’m beginning to feel in my life is a tension between what I’ve learned and witnessed life being - the frenetic push to build and grow a character of power, a career that flourishes, and an easily digestible female archetype.

The tension exists in that what I thought I wanted to mold myself into is unnatural. At this time in my life, it does not feel natural to me. My mind is at great odds with my learned behaviors. It's as if my body is trying fervently to swim in mud whilst still appearing graceful and capable - basically what I’ve been doing my entire adult life.

I realize our lives, obligations, and needs function to run the system. It’s our function conjunction. Abide by this - get that. We can place food on the table, pay our bills (barely at times), provide for our children, and maybe add an indulgence to our carts.

In doing the cyclical Western map to life, I‘m begging to ask myself - am I creating or doing? I’ve adored our little Western ways for my entire life - it’s given me visions of marble countertops, beautiful patio furniture, and a wrinkle-free face. But at what cost are these desires holding us back from living a life on purpose? The days are leaving us spiritually depressed…and longing for deep rest.

This is my tension. A tension where I feel a lightness in my heart but a drag on my mind. Embracing a new mindset and approach while being constantly reminded this can’t possibly work. I’m living counterintuitively to my talents - pushing a creative mindset into societal molds and Outlook inboxes. I’m done with the performance of doing. I’m ready to begin creating.